Monday, April 4, 2011

She never cared for me. But did she ever say a prayer for me?

It's only when I feel really hopelessly sad that I remember that I don't really talk to people about this stuff regularly. I don't have an emo phone friend who listens to me cry about little things that set off my melancholy or a person who hugs me and tells me everything'll be okay when I collapse onto their couch. It's not that I feel like I couldn't have somebody, I just don't seem to think to establish relationships like that before I hit rock bottom so when I do I look around in vain for someone to pity me. It's a very small problem, really, but I do envy the support other people seem to get from their rainy-day relationships, the ones that are somehow well-served by the ice-cream anti-socials and long chats about negative emotions. Friends who feel better after crying together and who see cups of tea and sympathy as necessary to a healthy diet.

Ironically, I don't even know what's set off my angst. I've been feeling pretty positive lately, getting to work on time and enjoying all the reading I have to do for school. I eat green apples and go to movies with friends and dress in bright colours and ride my bike to get groceries and buy books. Things are good, they're progressing well and in the middle of the day I don't have many complaints at all. Sure, I have my off moments which usually result in a midnight blog post or solitary sulk in an out-of-the-way cafe with a coffee and a book. For the most part, though, this is unexpected. I can only assuming it's hormonal or the stress of mid-semester is getting to me.

I have a major essay due tomorrow, a presentation to do in my morning tutorial, a cake to make and a lecture to listen to online. And yet. I'm writing this because I hope the catharsis will lead to all of these things going and feeling better. But I'm calm and I don't know why. Part of me thinks stressing about it all might work more but even when I get emotional these days, it lacks the frantic desperation I used to be so full of. I'm still figuring out how that can be and whether it'll ever change. I guess I hope it'll help this loneliness dissipate a little quicker. Tranquil or not, I want this sadness gone.

1 comment:

  1. I want to be your emo phone friend, or that friend that will hug you and tell you everything will be okay, and I want to be that friend that will have long chats with you about negative emotions and, drink tea with you whilst we talk about stupid rambly things, just to take our minds of the things that are upsetting us. And I want to be that friend that you can talk to about all those things upsetting you.

    I will drink tea, or eat ice-cream with you on the couch. All you have to do is ask, and I'll be there.