Saturday, October 31, 2009

I am not your consolation prize.

Watching one of my favourite movies ever, When Harry Met Sally. It's an irrational love, really (although I think pretty much all love is irrational; delightfully so) but I honestly just adore it. I love the humour. I love the softness of Meg Ryan's face when she delivers all her love-y lines. I love that Baker bought me the film's soundtrack for my birthday this year. I love the humour of the film and how it always makes me laugh even though I must know every word of dialogue off-by-heart already.

I went to World Vegan Day celebrations today with Julia. We bought foodz (lots)and were accosted by a couple of wacky, overzealous stall attendants (and some pretty cool ones). Coconut chocolate vegan ice-cream! Good day. And Julia's heaps of fun. We've gotten pretty tight pretty quick, and we keep just hanging out on a moment's notice at really cool places and having a great time. It's like dating except we're friends. Friend dating! Yeah, I'm still a little high on the sugar from today and the happiness of WHMS.

But I should hop to it 'cause Kat'll be here soon and we're going to have an awesome dinner involving hummus, yummy bread and vegies. Yes, I know; five hundred free samples, a buffet lunch and a large serving of ice-cream later and I'm still hungry. Go figure.

Oh, and because I forgot to post it last time, this is from Friday night:


"I'm going to smoke... at you... later." - Maddee

Friday, October 30, 2009

We don't need no.

I had to write an essay a few weeks back on the topic of identities and how they're expressed, or not expressed, through how we use language. It was an interesting exercise and by the end of it I had basically decided I was as close to proud of my essay as I could get. I showed it to a friend, Denise. At the end of it she told me she could barely understand the essay because of the way I used language; it seemed designed to exclude people not university educated.

Despite all the snide remarks I've made all year about the University snobs (post-grad students who work as tutors but talk like they're of noble blood etc.) I have become a part of that world. It's who I am now whether I like it or not and the way I write essays and approach the world and speak about issues is so strongly informed by the privilege and density and utter wankerousness of the atmosphere I'm in at University. The further I go into this degree, the more I think I might not end up somewhere I like. Or I might lose too much of myself to recognise when I've become someone who prizes sounding smart more than making a worthwhile point or who would rather live in borderline poverty and continue studying into my thirties than actually enter the world as an adult and function independently.

I've always been that kid that can't adjust to different social situations. I'm as likely to attempt to use four syllable words during a party as in the middle of a class debate. If I stick around at Uni, will I have any hope of having friends who aren't as over educated and under experienced as I am? Will I ever contribute to the world rather than continue to live in some freaky University clean room?

When I write about identities and language, I worry that the one I'm creating for myself with every subsequent word is one I'll wish I'd never expressed.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

'Cause you're hot then you're cold.

So I went to the Prom on Friday night with a really pretty girl. The best friend, of course. She wore a bright pink dress and her hair was rather big which was perfect due to the '80s theme. I was dressed as a sort of bastardised Madonna which, unfortunately, will be recorded forever on in some horrible photos. But it was a great time and I'm really glad we went. It's the first Uni related event I've been to which is rather pathetic seeing as I'm over three quarters of the way through my first year.

Speaking of, I have now officially applied twice for a Leave of Absence from second year. So next year I am no longer a Uni student, I am simply Hannah. And hopefully I can be simply me in the northern hemisphere for a decent chunk of that year. Everyone is laughing at me right now, with my wacky travel plans. I wish I could put a 'but' at the end of that but I can't. I'm laughing at me too. I'ma go anyway though. We'll see how I do when I try to be impulsive.

There are some people I am missing a lot. I've been busy lately but they're who I think of whenever I have time. Even when I don't. They make a lot of things easier just by being around. When they're not there I feel myself crumbling around the edges a little bit. And when they come back I feel things come back together. It sounds melodramatic but being with them, holding them, talking to them; it reminds me of who I am. Mainly because they're the kind of people who would never forget. That's how you get better; you spend time with people who are better. And my people are ... well, they're the best. I miss you all.

Monday, October 19, 2009

I'm surrounded by your embrace.

The obsession with Glee continues. The show just fills me with sunshine. I am sort of a closet optimist, even after graduating high school, and it gives me hope for the sort of happiness achievable for young people. It reminds me a bit of when Book Club was nice. But that's a story for another time.

So work friends were teasing me about my non-existent boyfriend the other day (the bearded, biker one who I'm going to Europe with after meeting him a week ago) and I started thinking about the important men in my life. I can literally count them on one hand. I can't help if going to a girls' school and lacking interest in guys who can't string a sentence together (which is about 75% of them after the age of 13) means I don't really know many people of the opposite sex very well.

Two of my best friends are guys, but they've been around for so long that they don't really have a gendered aspect when I consider them as companions. Like my long term female friends, they're just friends. The only good use for boy friends as opposed to just friends is that boy friends are taller than I am which is more than I can say for most of my lady pals. Which is handy when I feel like leaping into their arms in an aggressive hug. Perhaps I should reconsider how often I do that? Hmm. Nah. Nick and Baker feel like home by now, though. Hugging them is like lounging on my couch. Just something comforting I like to do when I need some rest.

And then there's dear old Dad. He's easy to get along with half the time and excruciatingly difficult the rest of the time. But then, so am I. He was already forty when I was born so he got something of a jump start on the grumpy old man thing people find so frustrating/adorable in later life. I kind of like that, due to my older sister, my father was a Grumpa while I was still in high school. That being said, it also explains his persistent irritability and random acts of generousness associated with kindly older relatives.

It is a bit odd that these are the only men I spend any real time with. But what do I need more for? I figure there's no reason to create a need. If I meet someone awesome enough the need will just sort of form itself. Adolescence is coming to a close for me, I'm travelling next year and I'm sure all of my neuroses and prejudices are just waiting for the right Mr. Darcy (or Wickham, even) to break them down.

I mean, who says men and women can't be friends?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

What do you say to taking chances?

I spent yesterday at Baker's. We watched Buffy with his little sister and I stuffed my face with cookies. It sounds mediocre but it was actually really great, something I never get the chance to do with him (and his sister, I guess). I hug him and I feel whole; a way I always promised never to feel because of another person. My happiness is not dependent on anyone else, I said, but this is the good kind of dependent happiness. He's just comfortable and I forget how much until I get to spend some time with him again and then everything just feels better. It helps to know he's the epitome of wonderful, someone who would never take advantage of the way I rely on him. He's just my very favourite boy, I guess.

So researching this Europe/North America/wherever trip is both heartening and terrifying. So it turns out I have no money but apparently this need not be an issue (yet). I'm awfully curious as to how my plans are going to pan out. For the time being, I should probably just enjoy my Baker hugs.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Drumroll, please.

So I've been talking to my friend, Zoe, and we've decided that we're travelling next year. Like, travelling travelling. What about school, you ask? We're deferring. What about money, you ask? We're ... working on it.

We've barely talked about it, my parents barely know what I'm on about and I barely know what I'm doing. I just know I've finally found a willing victim with whom to travel the globe and I'm gonna go ahead and do it.

And here, for the world to see, is my- far from perfect- preliminary list of countries I'd like to visit. It's weird. It's too ambitious. It's too long. It's too many things. But it's mine.

Le list:


Friday, October 2, 2009

You think this is hard?

Hmm. So I'ma put this out there. I love Glee. I am a "Gleek" (as in, a Glee geek, not the sort of spit that happens when you yawn). I adore the show in spite of all the cliches and flaws. Masssive girl crush on Rachel Berry (referring to character, not actress. See also: my eternal love for Maxwell Sheffield). Hayley and I had a blast watching the show last night so that's another point in its favour. I also sort of was a Gleek in high school.

When I was fourteen I sang in the middle school talent contest. A capella seemed like a good idea at the time (yeah, I was that girl). It was a two-day competition and I did happen to win my day's contest. That being said, I think I performed on the day of both lesser entrants and overall talent. I definitely ain't a singer; people just tend to admire the brave stupidity, I think.

One of my proudest *cough* moments was performing as a nun in the Sound of Music. The one with glasses, in case you were wondering. I ended up being the one with no microphone (there was a shortage and I'm a self-sacrificing Sister if there ever were one) which I think was a mercy for me- and the audience- in the end.

I also adore musicals, their trivia, anything involving good singing (no, I don't include Australian Idol in that category), stage shows ... I sirpoze I was destined to adore Glee for being an idealised version of everything I wanted at high school. If I'm honest it's the sort of thing I'd want now if I had the time or the talent for it.

And I am a Gleek, I just never joined Glee Club.