Sunday, November 21, 2010

the "Come Home" Blues.

This is what my best friend has dubbed my current melancholy. She's right, I suppose; these feelings are of a completely different texture to those I experienced while away or before I'd ever set out on that trip. I drift between a desire to be working and at university and spending time with people and a desperate need to engrave the shape of my silhouette into my mattress, sink into the hole and never leave it, just sleep and read and journal and watch TV and listen to music without ever having to exit my fetal position pose ever again.

And although my depression is unique, the urges it gives me are by no means similarly individual. It sucks that although every person in the world that has ever felt unhappy had their own reasons, they all fall into the such narrow categories when it comes to how they dealt with it. But we all want to be seen as different. Sucks, doesn't it?

So while I could continue to characterise myself as a reluctant cliche (but then, consciously or unconsciously, that is always how I will come across), I actually wanted to write about some other stuff, not just my dark days and inability to find a job.

It is nice to be back on this blog though. I left off in such a horrible way which is sort of the proof I needed that my overseas trip was necessary. To recap: trip was good but hard sometimes, person I mentioned in my eight-month old last post is still letting me talk to them and family is still deliciously dysfunctional. And I mean that. My family are exactly the same as when I left but somehow I think I'm a little different, like an identical twin that is exactly the same as their sibling DNA-wise but still likes to part their hair to the other side. I promise better similes in my future posts.

Anyway, things are crazy right now purely because things aren't crazy. I have absolutely nothing going on. For the first time in my life, I'm not moving in any direction. No school. No work. No plans. No prospects. Sorry, that last one was rather Jane Austen. But basically, I am adjusting to being a Lady of Little-to-do. I would say "leisure" but that costs money and I have absolutely none. I am going to spend my summer reading library books, eating hummus straight out of the tub (or bowl) and browsing Melbourne markets where I can afford nothing, before riding into the sunset on my bike that I will abandon if it breaks because I have not the money or the means to fix it.

Who said I can't have a happy ending?