Monday, April 18, 2011

A requiem for the soul.

What you think about
when you’ve suddenly lost
a person whose path
you’ve not often crossed:

Takes a moment to remember
And another to regret
Until all you have is sorry
And a thousand little debts

But you never were that anxious
To see them on the day;
It stains your newfound grieving
And can’t be wiped away

Still you feel you loved them
They always seemed so nice;
Just fragments of a person
That charmed you once or twice

In your firm denial;
The sadness you’ve embraced
You honour a small friendship
You really should have chased.

Monday, April 4, 2011

She never cared for me. But did she ever say a prayer for me?

It's only when I feel really hopelessly sad that I remember that I don't really talk to people about this stuff regularly. I don't have an emo phone friend who listens to me cry about little things that set off my melancholy or a person who hugs me and tells me everything'll be okay when I collapse onto their couch. It's not that I feel like I couldn't have somebody, I just don't seem to think to establish relationships like that before I hit rock bottom so when I do I look around in vain for someone to pity me. It's a very small problem, really, but I do envy the support other people seem to get from their rainy-day relationships, the ones that are somehow well-served by the ice-cream anti-socials and long chats about negative emotions. Friends who feel better after crying together and who see cups of tea and sympathy as necessary to a healthy diet.

Ironically, I don't even know what's set off my angst. I've been feeling pretty positive lately, getting to work on time and enjoying all the reading I have to do for school. I eat green apples and go to movies with friends and dress in bright colours and ride my bike to get groceries and buy books. Things are good, they're progressing well and in the middle of the day I don't have many complaints at all. Sure, I have my off moments which usually result in a midnight blog post or solitary sulk in an out-of-the-way cafe with a coffee and a book. For the most part, though, this is unexpected. I can only assuming it's hormonal or the stress of mid-semester is getting to me.

I have a major essay due tomorrow, a presentation to do in my morning tutorial, a cake to make and a lecture to listen to online. And yet. I'm writing this because I hope the catharsis will lead to all of these things going and feeling better. But I'm calm and I don't know why. Part of me thinks stressing about it all might work more but even when I get emotional these days, it lacks the frantic desperation I used to be so full of. I'm still figuring out how that can be and whether it'll ever change. I guess I hope it'll help this loneliness dissipate a little quicker. Tranquil or not, I want this sadness gone.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Too school for cool.

Fangirling in a really hardcore way. I don't know where I get this from but I assume it's hereditary because my sister is right there with me. Either that or we spend way too much time together.

I've suffered a few minor heartbreaks. Nothing good enough to really dwell on, just the niggling disappointment felt when the person you were developing feelings for tells you about their new love interest. It's not that I think I ever had a chance with any of the people I was attracted to; I just like their company. As soon as there's a partner on the scene, you automatically see less of your friend. And if that's a friend that made your heart race, you take it a little harder. I should've learnt by now not to quietly love somebody. It doesn't change anything except me; adding a little more melancholy and taking hope I could've directed elsewhere.

I'm studying and working right now and apart from compulsive youtubing (which I maintain is a coping mechanism and not part of a genuinely hopeless unrequited love for Chris Colfer), I guess all I have to worry about is that special somebody that sees me as neither special nor a Somebody. I wish I could just focus on school and not think about any of that romantic stuff that sneaks up on me when I think I'm fine but I get stuck in this depressed mood. Can my Gothic Fictions course start already? That I feel I could connect with right now.