Sunday, November 13, 2011
...the words are all escaping
And coming back all damaged
The truth is that you're afraid to get involved with me because you're already in love with someone else. Is it strange that I'm sheepish about telling you that... well, I am too? A couple of people, really.
I asked you out almost directly after I had a horrible night with a friend that ended with us ashamed of actions we'd never even performed; just reading each other's minds was enough to make us guilty. The complicated part is that he's straight and I'm, um, not. And there's a sentence I choke back when I'm talking to and about him and I can't hold it in any longer. He confuses me about my sexuality. I'm not sexually attracted to him, which is the part which clarifies everything, but I definitely feel something larger for him than just friendship. I'm not sure if that is something good though and I certainly don't feel good about it of late. That night cemented a decision for me; that he and I need space. And, at least for now, I am 100% gay. Thank you so much.
And then there's that friend who, if I'm honest, I've been drawn to since the moment I met her. Of late we've gotten ridiculously close, so close that I think we're both afraid we might one day cross the lesbian-friendship line that's drawn so clearly and firmly in sinking sand. I genuinely love her too much to risk the friendship- it's a cliche and yet so real here. Funny how that always happens to me- but it's almost like this thing with you helps distract me. I would feel bad admitting that if I didn't know I serve a similar purpose for you, really.
And that girl I've been watching from a respectable and justifiable distance (I promise). She's so stunning, the kind of person who might be capable of real love and who I might be capable of loving. But she's too much promise, too much beauty in one idea. I have to steer clear of those people, they fuck with my head.
So many other people, too. I'm not one to obsess over just one person. Except, apparently, you.
I like you a lot. Seeing you, talking to you, texting you, laughing with and at you. And, funnily enough, I like your lover a fuckload too. Part of me knows that however I proceed here; ask to be your friend, ask to be more... I'll still end up getting my heart broken. But I feel like it might be about time I let that happen, and as I said to you the other night while drunk and leaning heavily on Glee analogies, all I have is how okay I feel right now. I want to try and convince you that I can do this, that I can do just the right amount of focussing on you without it being too much or too little. And maybe take it less seriously than this?
Wow, this is so ridiculous that I'm literally laughing at myself. There's so much more to say but this is just another step toward being honest with someone, even if that someone is the internet.
And all of my stumbling phrases never amounted
To anything worth this feeling