Monday, May 30, 2011

11:04 | City Loop Train | Stopping All Stations.

Melbourne is brilliant right now. Autumn is illuminated: the raised arms of the trees are backlit by an exuberant sun. Today feels glorious through every stop on the train, each suburb drenched and sparkling. I wish you were with me, to see this, but I love drinking in the beauty alone. It's painful almost, feeling this love for a city I've always planned to fly away from as soon as I can, for forever or as long as that seems. Even the graffiti-covered fences warm me today, Autumn's strange hot-cold emotions pervading everything from my lounge room to the train carriage to the parks I'm passing.

I console myself with the fact that the falling leaves I love so dearly don't belong here; the gold lining the streets is false compared to the places I want to be. The music caressing my melancholy comes from a modest New York artist I can't wait to hear sing live, maybe even meet. My clothes, my books, my ideas- all that I carry with me- are acquired due to my unapologetic wanderlust. To love this journey, today, for showing me a sun-blessed city seasoned with foliage and frost... this is not weakness. I don't need to be sad. This is bigger than me, or today, or Melbourne. It speaks to the part of me that's already flown elsewhere, keeping vigil, patiently waiting for the rest of myself to be ready to leave and never come back.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Don't fix my smile. Life is long enough.

I made a list of things I wanted to do on my mid-semester break and stuck it on my wall and not one of them got done this week. Not even "vacuum". I'm overwhelmed by how underwhelming my existence is.

I didn't study. I didn't exercise. I barely left the house. I just ate, spent time on the interwebz and watched Gilmore Girls and Glee. It brought home how exhausted the last eight weeks of (badly) juggling school with a lot of work hours has left me. I have no social life right now, I watch characters on TV shows laughing hysterically together and wonder why I don't have that before I realise that all the people I used to giggle and goof around with are just email addresses in my inbox right now. Ugh, sucky, selfish idiot I am.

Highlights of my day today:

- Finding a lone condom (wrapped and unopened, by the by) on one of the book trolleys at the library. That was funny for about fifteen minutes.
- Eating good, nut-free muesli for breakfast. It's more difficult to find than you'd think.
- Replaying the one album by a band I just recently brought myself to listen to over and over again for the three hours of my shift. Dancing to it some more when I got home and my sister had moved all the furniture to the side of our lounge room so she could vacuum. I saw it more as an opportunity to bust out some sweet moves without breaking something.
- Looking down the tunnel at the underground station while the wind started hitting my face and the light rounded the corner as the train was arriving.
- Making a favourite soup I didn't realise I no longer need a recipe for. Eating it with bread and brussels sprouts and realising I might actually be eating healthy because I want to, for once.
- Realising all of these little things bring glory and happiness I didn't know was possible in such a small day and a small life.