Louder than sirens, louder than bells.

My week. Hmm. My week.

I stepped on a small piece of broken glass in bare feet. I realised I most likely won't qualify for a working visa so will have to rely on my wits in Europe. My wounds from the fall I had over a week ago are still healing rather slowly and the scab on my knee just gets grosser. I got downgraded from full time at work to two days a week. I'm not sleeping properly. I owe my parents a lot more money than I am currently making because I was given an hour and a half's notice that I was losing a lot of work. I'm lonely all the time and it's so much more my fault than anything else's because I push everyone away at the worst possible times and then cling to them without explanation.

My mood is refusing to improve. I'm trying, I really am. I have this deep set belief that what you project, good or bad, is what is returned to you in life. So I feel like all of this is happening because I've made mistakes or been cruel or selfish. And I know that if I continue to be negative and nasty and useless that it'll only get worse. It's just so hard to ignore all of the things that are hurting so much right now.

If I was happier and friendlier at work then maybe this would *stop* happening. Maybe they'd find the hours for me. If I could get my teen angst together and get over myself, people would want to hang out with me and I'd want to hang with them and we could enjoy whatever time is left for me here in Melbourne. Maybe I could be more careful with my body and my mind and the hurts would stop finding me so easily.

It's all about hope, really. Every single terrible thing that happens, and every single great thing too. All that is present in my life right now and all that is coming. I'm trying to process and articulate experiences with that in mind.

And at the end of it all, you're waiting there in my head. Like a shadow standing in this ambiguous doorway that I want to be ready to step through but aren't yet. I want to come with you but I need to find you properly first. I've never been sure about you, of who you really are, but I know you're perfect for me. Or perfect for who I plan to be. When I've evolved enough, sorted all this out- sorted me out- I want us to be together. Whatever that means. Wait for me. Or find me first?

We're still holding hands through a catflap, aren't we?

I had my tarot read last night and it was beautiful. It was frightening and mysterious and confusing. For what it was, it was beautiful.

I also learnt about Buddhism, meditation and the inner lives of two of my good friends.

It's too soon to talk about it. It was too soon last night and I don't know when I'll be ready. But I want to be ready. A lot happened yesterday, the details of which I can't really articulate. But it was magical in a really melancholy, unexpected way.

Today I simply recovered from everything I discovered last night.

Everything you do is simply kissable.

Or not.

Trying to get a passport organised today was death. I know I shouldn't complain because this is, literally, the only way to get overseas. But two trips to the Post Office for interviews and two rejections for stupid reasons later and I'm losing my oh-so-famous cool. Why must one have a driver's licence to avoid all this extra paperwork? So if private transport isn't my number one concern I have to deal with all this extra identity verification shit even after all the Keypass, bank statement, Medicare card, account card, birth certificate, mother's birth certificate etc. drama? Yay for the age of technology, identity theft and suspicion.

Other than that life is fine. I mean, it's only life, right? It's not something you can choreograph or fix or refine. I spend a lot of my day being wasteful, like today when I tried to make something happen that obviously wasn't meant to be. But I have to reconcile myself with the fact that things will be how they be and if I don't understand or appreciate it at the time I will later because something, somehow, will be fixed or improved or created or prevented or enhanced by every second I feel I've squandered. Even regrets are really just residual hurt or anger. Everyone knows life goes the way it goes and in some way or another we all learn to embrace what happens. I spent a day of my life on this paperwork/passport/stress/bureaucracy that was never going to work in my favour. I'm sure it's taught me something, but maybe I need to learn something else before I can comprehend this lesson properly. So tomorrow is probably "An Introduction to Ink Smudges on Passport Photographs". Wait, that was yesterday. I guess I should go check my timetable...