Please destroy me this way.

You told me we shouldn't talk and it's the last thing I want but I'm doing it. And now you're everywhere in my head and this isn't new or unexpected. I'm trying so hard to let you go because I truly believe it's what you want. But is it possible I'm doing something wrong there, too? I hope not. I hope you're well. I love you, always, regardless of what I say or write to contradict that statement. Really.

I fell.

So now I'm off work and sitting on my bed, alone, since Trina left me happier than I can remember being in some time. We had tea, ate too much cake and she gave me a lot of gifts, some physical and some not. One was a book. Another was the realisation that there is hope. For her, especially, and for me also. I'm $120 poorer for staying home today but I don't feel it.

I think I will make dinner for my mother tonight. She's been impressing people for almost a month now and I think it's exhausting her. I need her to know she is loved here, too, though maybe not so blindly. I think that's better, really, and I hope she does too.

There's no Snoopy dance but...

I guess that I'm making up for the last few weeks by posting every day. The subject of today's blog: my best friend in the whole wide world. She's coming over in a couple of hours so I started cleaning my room in preparation (I know, right; she's a lucky girl) and found some stuff. You know the kind. Nostalgia inducing, bittersweet memory stuff. I have a best friend who has bought me gifts all over the world, that I carried around with me until it became obscene. A keyring pen from Germany I used until I'd rubbed off the decoration on the outside. Another keyring from Seattle, as well as a pen (just to keep the theme) that lit up when you wrote with it. Evidently the only thing I've tidied thus far is my desk. I'm sure I'll rediscover more gifts shortly when I move onto my bookshelf. I remember how much I missed Kat when she went overseas when we were twelve. I spent over a month waiting for postcards and trying to fill my days. I should have known then that, at twelve years old, I'd found the best best friend in the world.

Kat and I were destined to at least be acquaintances far earlier than we actually met. We were both friends with a boy living around the corner from me, along with her twin and another girl, Lucy, and as soon as we all got the acceptance letter from our high school it was decided we would all be great chums. I'd like to say we had a lot to say to each other the first day we met but the truth is it wasn't that memorable. The four of us caught the train together in the morning, awkward little pre-pubescents in oversized uniforms, and one day something clicked. Kat and I had the same orthodontic equipment fixing our teeth and from the crazy random happenstance that helped us figure this out we suddenly had plenty to talk about.

Dinners, trips to markets and swimming pools, movie nights followed. Impromptu study sessions on the train (I holding the cue cards, Kat guessing the answers) led to gossip sessions and so on. Our mothers met and became close friends. Kat became a beautiful young woman far too cool to hang out with a nerdy misfit like myself. It didn't stop her from doing so, though. By the time we graduated high school we'd been through boyfriends (hers) and breakdowns (mine)and were completely different people to when we started. The only thing that still made sense from the time we were twelve was that we were friends.

Kat, fittingly, got a job at a swanky department store and six months later is already being promoted to supervisor. Her gorgeousness, intense work ethic and sunny nature ensured she could succeed wherever she chose to be. In between sleeping through lectures and having no life, I see Kat. Sometimes she's the only friend I see outside of University and work for a month. Somehow that feels okay.

The best friend is leaving me again soon, albeit briefly, to go overseas for about a month. I'm starting to feel twelve again. I wonder what I'll do for fun while she's gone...

Beautiful garbage, beautiful dresses.

So I'm 18. And technically have been for around 24 hours now. I was born at 11:30am on the dot (caesarean sections are all about the punctuality). It is currently 11:44am. I feel basically the same.

Here's a breakdown of yesterday. Woke up at 10, made lamington muffins while I should have been eating breakfast and just cooked like crazy for ages. My family gave me a cheque for enough money to make me blush so I made a work-related joke to my Dad ("you'll have to help me with the banking!" *wink*) which received a poor response. Got everything ready for a couple of hours before being surprised in the act of making the world's worst playlist by guests/helpers arriving. They helped me decorate...okay, they did the decorating and I watched. The party got underway and was lovely, some of my work and Uni friends were a little tentative (Tamaly grabbed my legs until I fell over at one point. I was wearing a mini-skirt and thus was absolutely mortified). But still, t'was good. People drifted in and out until after cake when the remainder of the party headed down to the train station (we were "going out").

No sooner than I had walked away from the bar to sit down than I spilled some of the cocktail on myself. It seemed fitting for my first legal drink to be adorning my coat. We drank for a while, one of our party left us and then we headed off to pretty much the only club we could think of. We paid a thoroughly exorbitant cover fee just so Kat and I could dance (I love that my best friend thinks the same way I do about what we want to do). Marlowe protested ("I don't dance.") but finally agreed so for about an hour we danced to awful techno music in a dark, loud, overcrowded club and it actually felt good (Side note: Marlowe was the cutest dancer). Oh, another highlight was the security guards at both the bar and the club begrudgingly wishing me a happy birthday after checking the date both in their head and out loud while studying my ID card. It seemed like every single girl in le Club was exactly the same person in the same outfit with the same hair and same demeanour. I felt both under and over dressed. In a comical way, I assure you ;)

In summary, my 18th was both under and over whelming in the best possible way. I got home shortly after 1am and saw a wrapped present on my dresser. A small card with it, from my sister said "Happy Birthday Hannah!!! Hope you enjoy your gift and the rest of your life Love, Aly xoxoxoxo". Above this note, hastily scrawled, "I walked into your room to put this in there. I discovered that you already have what I am giving you. I have included the receipt so you can exchange this present for something else that is equally desirable xoxo". Taped to the present was a JB receipt for a Russell Brand DVD that Ash just recently leant me. My heart warmed at that moment, so I hopped into bed to read Maidi's gift (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies) and went to sleep feeling rather smug.






Oh, my Dad's getting counselling. He and my mother talked for a while, he cried and he's agreed to get help. Just thought I'd let you know.