That's the way it is in Minnesota.

I guess the idea of not revealing personal information online is kind of ridiculous, especially in a blog. What do I write about if not the personal? And if I'ma start with the personal, I suppose I better write about the uber personal as well.

I blew off a party last night partially due to schoolwork. But that's not fair; I don't spend enough time doing schoolwork for that to be a valid excuse. I didn't go because sensitive, heterosexual males trust me too much.

But I digress. I spent the day trying to study and failing. So around the time it started getting dark (which is around 4, admittedly) I decided I couldn't be bothered going. There are too many things to deal with there. A friend I haven't seen in a month or so who at the best of times is awkward with me. Another friend who got dumped by a long term partner recently and needs some support from little old me. Too bad I'm emotionally bankrupt and unwilling to deal with the - quite reasonable- need for a friend right now. And then there's the final friend.

I've met one just like him recently. Someone who likes the look of me, befriends me and learns to trust me more than is humanly natural within a very short space of time. I mean, of course the feelings are reciprocated but that doesn't change how perilous it is. I'm great fun, sure, when all you want from me is friendship. I guess that's all I can say. To all the heterosexual male friends I have out there; don't want anything else from me. Don't see me as your only confidante, the only one you can trust, strangely perfect in a completely unattractive but safe sort of way.

So I blew off the party. And tried to keep studying, failed and then didn't sleep.

Tell me what to do, I'll find all the answers.

I don't like irritation. Kind of the definition I guess. But it appears I am easily irritated.

Things that irritate me:

* No matter how much my friends adore him; I can't seem to see Ville Valo as particularly profound. Nor Bam Margera.
* When people use the anonymity of the internet to be cruel to others.
* My own hypocrisy (see above).
* Dirty tissues. If I see them anywhere other than in a bin I am deeply upset.
* That soy milk costs extra. Lactose intolerance isn't a consumer preference. It's an allergy. Yay for the free market.
* In that vein; the four hundred thousand calls we have gotten in the last week from people wanting us to change our gas bill provider. That's right, not the gas provider, the freakin' bill provider. Ugh.
* That I thought this list blog worthy.



Party tomorrow night. Maybe. If I can finish my homework. How pathetic is that?

The girls (le disko).

When it's wintry and rainy; every afternoon at home feels like a Sunday. My whole family were home today which didn't ease the resemblance to the weekend. It feels like we should all be tired and grumpy which is dangerous because it means I get no study done and eat a lot and don't exercise. I am sensing the triumphant return of Fat Hannah.

Having said all that, I just sat here very contentedly for hours and ended up sipping tea and eating cake. If I'm honest, I really love Winter in many ways. Which is good, because today is the first day of Winter. I love the coats. I love the boots. I love the warm, fluffy things we wrap around our exremities to keep them warm. I love the slippery wet leaves that stick to each other and the ground (though they will all wash away very soon, leaving the carcasses of trees and bare pavement). Now I think about it; maybe our semester ends now for a reason. The university looks so gorgeous in Autumn with orange leaves decorating the campus and the wheels of our bikes (there are so many people on bikes at Uni!). Perhaps having class in Winter when the leaves are gone and we're all cold would ruin the gorgeous illusion. I don't think I've really paid attention to the campus in Spring. I will have to, next semester, and see if it is as picturesque :)

Oh, what else do I love about Winter? I love hot beverages (obviously). I love the way people's faces go red in some places and uber pale in others. I love the extra weight everyone gains by default. I love the various forms of physical and emotional hibernation we endure while we save all our strength for the trying times at school or work or whatever that strain our intellect.

This was fun :)

People keep asking me what I want for my birthday. Which, in the spirit of this wintry post, is the day before the Winter equinox. I keep saying cookie cutters. But there have to be other things I want. Hmm. I'll have to keep brainstorming. Aha. Brainstorming, get it? 'Cause it's winter?... Yeah, ignore the terrible pun. I'm not great with themes; once I pick one, everything seems to stick to it. Whether I mean it or not. I do it with everything. Like, if I decide that I'm going to wear something black and white then everything else I wear has to match. Like right now. I'm wearing a black top over a white one, a black and white skirt, black tights and black sneakers (with that weird white trim stuff). I had to co-ordinate everything. It's a sickness, really. Luckily sometimes I choose to be eclectic. It's hard to be a perfectionist about that. Well, unless you're Frasier Crane. But let's not get into my obsessions just yet...

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room?

I like to re-use teabags. Like, one teabag to two cups of tea. I am a fan of refills, okay? I also try to take short showers (and fail miserably). I love cheese but I've been vegan since September - I miss parmesan like crazy. I'm a fan of self-righteous sacrifice, I suppose. Poor Earth, poor children in Africa, poor homeless person etc.; I'ma cut back so in some weird way they can have what I have. Affluence, boredom, a propensity (and ability) to over-eat. Yeah, likely.

Somehow I never managed to make much of a difference. The world and its inhabitants are still dying. And I ain't no skinny bitch, for all the vegan dieting and bike riding places.

That being said; I need new clothes. I want to go shopping which COULD prove difficult considering the recent quarantine of my sister with the whole swine flu pandemic. Work don't want me for a little while; how will I pay for my vanity? Granted, my accidentally giving swine flu to the pregant women and old men I am frequently in contact with at work could tarnish my image; no matter how trendy my new skirt is. But I really wish there wasn't such a strict budget considering just how dire my wardrobe situation is lately. I finally outgrew my "nothing but t-shirts!" phase but shirts with defined necklines and tailored seams cost a wee bit more. Damn my curves.

Shopping with me is an activity akin to a specifically awful kind of Chinese torture. I am so fussy. Even when gift shopping for other people I'm a perfectionist. And clothes shopping; ugh! I have a particularly frustratingly odd figure so I am always complaining. And, as in this blog, no one will or wants to listen.

So there're my thoughts for now. Fascinating, right?

Of innocence and experience.

Everyone now and again I hear a song by one of the artists you introduced me to. It's when this occurs that I stop and wonder if I'll ever be able to breathe again. And then I do. It's then that I remember that this is the first time in a long time that I've missed you.

That's what happens, right? You love someone so much that being without them for a week, a day, an hour, feels unbearable. And then, a few months or years later, you're reminded of that feeling and you miss it so much. You miss the mutual obsession. But you also remember why the obsession ended.

I have so many memories of friends and ...others... that are like that. It's been so long since I thought they were worthy of being my whole world. The problem is; worthy or not, they were. And they still make up part of who I am.

Some days I pick up the phone to call you, or I laugh at something only you could recognise, or I crave the way we fit together when you hugged me.

Maybe one day you and I could be healthy. And we could be you and me again. I don't think so though. I can't be sure of this, but I think I'm right;

you've never missed watching movies with me in your room,
you've never missed late night, forbidden conversations online or on the phone
and
you've not really missed me.

No day but today.

My little sister has a new friend who lent her Rent on DVD which is lovely. However, my little sister also has a new friend who is a boy. You know the kind. Oh, and to complete the happy picture; he's the best friend's older brother. Yes, I said the word older. How did she inherit my Aunt's rebel gene? I mean, as I write this I am watching Rent, drinking tea and contemplating which homework to do first.

I turn 18 in a little over a month. I keep telling myself that as soon as that occurs; I become a more interesting and outgoing person. The ingredients for disappointment, I know, but if nothing else I am an experimental cook. Who knows, maybe I will make a good party girl. More than likely though it'll just mean I'll be buying the liquor for my sister and her friends. And the older boyfriend who may or may not be mysteriously neutered in his sleep by then.

I have a Tash fringe right now but I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow. Problem is that my hair dresser can be a wee bit unpredictable. He's been known to give me a side fringe and curl my hair when I go in wearing a band t-shirt and cargos. So I'ma wear really neutral stuff tomorrow so whatever hair do he gives me won't make me look ridiculous when I go directly to Uni afterward. Oh, who am I kidding? All hair styles look ridiculous on me.

And it rains in your bedroom.

I could just hide under the swollen pile of clothes that continues to gorge itself on whatever gets dropped on the floor. Which is everything.

My family is kind of screwed up. But then I know that is kind of a superfluous statement, like "chocolate is yum" etc. It is a truth universally acknowledged that everyone's family is screwed up. So yeah, mine is like everyone else's, and people don't get along and it gets awkward and stuff. However, today we had a decent chunk of the extended family over which was really, really nice :) I got to hold babies and make tea for people and it was just all-around-middle-class-white-family pleasantness.

Now I am avoiding doing my homework, which BTW I should start calling "assignments" since apparently University is different to High school. It's all just school to me; whether you're learning to read Ancient runes or learning to read Shakespeare or just plain learning to read. School, learning, hard. All non-distinct terms. Which is how it should be. Speaking of how it should be, I should get back to work.